Sorry-Grateful

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Reflecting on the people in my life, and what my life means in the grand scheme of things.


While the loss of my Mom is still weighing very heavily on me right now, I've been reflecting that beyond that sorrow, I have a lot to be thankful for.


I know it's not terribly original this time of year, but this blog post is about those things for which I'm grateful.


Firstly, I'm thankful for Scott. My better half, my partner in crime, my husband, my best friend. Words can't describe how Scott has saved me. He made my life complete, and he filled a gap in my soul. He takes care of me, and he lets me take care of him. He is the love of my life, and he makes me happy. There isn't any situation that can't be improved with his smile, his touch, his laugh. I can't imagine my life without him.


Next, I'm thankful for my Mom. You had to know this was coming. I miss her so much that it hurts, but every second of that grief is tempered with the knowledge that I was very lucky to have her in my life. I'm thankful that the only regrets are that I don't have more time with her. We enjoyed every minute we had together, and she knows that I love her. Nothing but happy memories.


And I'm thankful for the rest of my amazing family. My Dad is the one that I measure all other men against. He's strong, smart, caring, and funny. There are few people from whom I've learned as much, and fewer still that I respect as much. My brother, Dennis, and sister, Sofia, are individually two of the most remarkable people I know, for completely different reasons. I am in awe of them. My cousin and her daughter are a bright ray of light, and I love being Daya's Uncle Rob, as much as I imagine Dana's dad enjoyed being my Uncle Robert.


And my friends. Wow, am I a lucky guy. I've got amazing friends in so many places. The support from so many different directions over the last few weeks has been overwhelming. It's been said that friends are the family we choose. Apparently I've got REALLY GOOD taste, because the friends I've chosen are a dizzying array of incredible people. That they all care for me as much as they've shown lately, humbles me no end. I'm very lucky indeed for all of my friends, and I love them all dearly.

I'm thankful for Tolliver. Pets provide us with some unnameable thing that makes life more fun when times are good, and more bearable when times are hard. Smart, sweet, obstinate, vindictive little Tolliver never fails to make me smile. He makes us into a family. I love him to pieces.

I'm thankful for my job. They way things have been going lately, this is a day to day thing. So many co-workers are out of work now, and we all fear that we'll be the next one to go. Still, I'm thankful to have it for as long as it lasts. It's been a good run, and I look forward to new challenges; either under new ownership or in other sandboxes.

While thankful that I have an occupation, I'm more thankful that I've returned to my avocation. This year I returned to doing theatre. I missed it more than I realized, and I'm thankful beyond words for my friends at Moonlight Players and my family members in Team Chelsea for helping me remember how much I need this, and how good I feel about myself when I do.

And of course, there's so much more. I've never had to worry about food, shelter, or clothing. The basics of survival that so many struggle to maintain, we're lucky enough to have in enough quantity that we really don't lack. I know that this can change at any time, so I'm grateful for it while we've got it.

I'm a very lucky man, with a very good life. A happy life. It sounds so trite and sappy to say it, but wow, there it is. "Happy". What more could anyone really ask for?

So, while I'm sorry that Mom isn't with us anymore, and I grieve for the happiness I won't be able to share with her from here on; I'm grateful that she got to see me happy. She got to witness the amazing thing that is my life with all that I've described above.

Those are my reflections for today.

Thank you all for sparing a moment to read my ramlings.

Happy Thanksgiving.

What in the GAY HELL . . . er . . . . Afterlife?!?!?!?

Okay, there are lots of gay stereotypes out there. Some are based in fact more than others.

The one that always makes me chuckle, however, is "Gays have excellent taste."

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Yeah . . . but no.

Frankly, there are some seriously tacky queens out there. We practically invented "camp" and "kitsch" for crissake! Which is fine. To each his own. I don't judge . . .Much . . . Outloud . . . To their face . . .

Every now and then, however, along comes a couple of queens who up the "oh, god, you've got to be shitting me" quotient to new heights of tack-o-rama.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of those times. Introducing the newest product that all the queers will be dying to get into . . . at least that's what the creators are hoping:

Gay Coffins.

Seriously. Two guys in Germany have created gay-themed caskets and urns. They're covered with pictures of scantily clad men.

Really? REALLY?

Apparently there are "rainbow" caskets and urns available too.

Yeah, because THAT wouldn't be tacky.

Some days, I wonder why I bothered to come out of the casket . . . er . . . . closet.

Puppy Size

This was the last email Mom sent me before she passed away. It's one of her favorites.

I know that I have sent this before, but this story just touches my heart so much. Having you in my life makes me sigh, so thought I'd share it again.

-Dorothy Or Mom as the case may be.

Puppy Size

This is one of the neatest stories you will ever hear. You will know precisely what this little girl is talking about at the end (you'll want to share this one with your loved ones and special friends)!

'Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this,' the mother told the volunteer.

'What is it she keeps asking for?' the volunteer asked.

'Puppy size!' replied the mother.

'Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for.'

'I know..... we have seen most of them, ' the mom said in frustration... Just then Danielle came walking into the office 'Well, did you find one?' asked her mom.

'No, not this time,' Danielle said with sadness in her voice. 'Can we come back on the weekend?'

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed 'You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply,' the volunteer said.

Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. 'Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend,' she said.Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. 'It's this weekend or we're not looking any more,' Dad finally said in frustration. 'We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either,' Mom added.

Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning . By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted. Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, 'Sorry, but
you're not the one.' It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. 'Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!' She screamed with joy. 'It's the puppy size!'

'But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks,' Mom said.

'No not size... The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,' she said. 'Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!'

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.

'Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh.

I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms,' she said. Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, 'Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!'

Scott and I got home from Lubbock late on Saturday night. It was a long week, but it was good to be with my Dad, Dennis, Sofia, Dana, and all of the rest of the family. Sorrow shared is sorrow halved, after all.

The tears finally caught up to me on Friday night, and I fell apart while looking through some of my things that Mom had stashed away. And I've been crying off and on since then. This is going to take some time to get used to. Considering that I still get emotional thinking about missing my Grandma, and she's been gone for 23 years, I don't really expect that it's ever going to go away completely.

So, yesterday I returned to work, found out we'd had another round of lay-offs while I was gone. Oh, joy! And of course everybody wanted to come in and give me a hug and ask how I was doing and say "I'm so sorry." I appreciate it. I really do. But it just kept dredging it all back up to the surface of my thoughts. Needless to say, it was a rough day. Just another in a long line of many rough days. They're starting to get old.

While I was at work, Scott picked up Tolliver from the vet, where we had boarded him while we were away. They're closed on Sundays, so we couldn't pick him up before yesterday. I'd really missed him while in Lubbock. Watching Dad's Westie play with Sofia's two Cocker Spaniels made me homesick for my little doxie.

So last night, I got home from work, and Scott headed off to rehearsal, and I got to have some Tolliver time. We played and then he got a treat while I ate dinner and watched TV. Then when dinner was over, I crawled down onto the floor to play with him some more; but he didn't seem interested in fetching a toy. He crawled into my lap, settled himself down, and heaved a big sigh.

Somewhere, Mom smiled at the puppy sighs in my lap. I am loved. I'll be okay. And sometimes the best company when you're sad is your dog.

Things I learned from my mother . . .

My Mom's memorial service was this morning. After a hellish week, we finally had an opportunity to say goodbye. But I couldn't. I didn't cry. I wasn't able to. The speakers were very moving, and I'm happy to know that my Mom touched so many people in so many wonderful ways. I got a little teary-eyed at times, but no more than I would have if I'd been sitting next to my mother at a party in her honor and held her hand while people said nice things about her.

But I sat there feeling a bit detached. I was very worried about my Dad, and my brother and sister. And Scott. I'm not sure if it just isn't real to me yet, or if this is all too much to process, so my mind shut down the emotions so I could get through it. Scott cried more than I did. Which isn't surprising. He loves her as much as she loved him, which is to say, quite a lot.

Whatever, I couldn't cry. It'll come in time. I know that.

In the meantime, as a bit of a tribute, I'm going to share some of the things that I learned from her.

So here it is: The Things I learned from My Mother . . .

"Eat something, Baby, it'll make you feel better"

Don't feel good? Drink some water . . . or have some protein . . . or try and have a bowel movement.

Read. Reading is fun.

Nothing is as important as family.

It's okay to cry. Tears lubricate the soul.

"The more you cry, the less you have to pee"

Sometimes the only appropriate response to a situation is "Well, SHIT!"

Love shared, is love multiplied.

Sorrow shared, is sorrow divided.

Don't worry about what other people think. Be yourself and do what makes you happy.

Don't regret the mistakes and pains of your past; they helped to bring you to where you are now, and who you are now. Sometimes we have to go through the shitty stuff to make it to the happily ever after.

Never miss the opportunity to try new foods. You might find a new favorite. If not, you'll at least get a good story to tell later.

See as much of the world, and learn about how other people live as you can.

Throw the words "in-law" out of your vocabulary. They're not needed. Family is family, and we're happy when it grows.

Never miss the chance to smile, laugh, and enjoy time with the ones you love. Embrace the moments you have with each other and cherish the memories forever.

Say "I love you" to each other frequently. End every conversation with it, that way you know that when the "last time" comes, you've said it, and they know it in their hearts. There are fewer regrets later that way.

The end of the world as we know it

Today, begins a new and frightening time.

Today begins my life after Mom.

My Mom died suddenly of a heart attack while on vacation at my Uncle's Condo in Mexico yesterday morning. At 12:20pm my world changed forever, as my Dad's voice broke when I answered the phone and he let me know that nothing would ever be the same again.

I freely admit I'm a Mama's Boy. My Mom is . . . . was . . . . one of my best friends. There are very few things that I didn't discuss with her. And good or bad, when something happened in my life, I called my Mom to talk about it.

Nothing. Not one thing prepared me to face the worst day of my life . . . and not be able to call my Mom to talk about it.

She'd been in Mexico for a month. I'd only had a couple brief conversations with her while she called to check in on her phone using international roaming. I was saving up a month's worth of discussion to share with her when she got home.

I never get to have that conversation with her. Or any of the multitudes of conversations that I will want and need to have with her in the future. My only small comfort is knowing that my last words to her were "I love you" and that I heard "I love you, too" back.

I do not know how to live in a world where my Mom isn't in it.

Which isn't to say that I'm not close to my Dad. Far from it. He's the best Dad in the whole world, and it tears me up inside thinking that he had do deal with all of this alone so far from home.

Scott and I just finished making arrangements to fly to Lubbock, so we'll be there when Dad gets home with Mom's ashes. There are lots of things to do, and I'm sure lots of people to see. The one I want to see most won't be there, though. And she never will be again.

Yesterday, I grew up. Yesterday morning, I had a mommy. Yesterday afternoon, I was calling family and friends and letting them know that she was taken from us far too soon. For the first time in my life, I was the one who was making the phone calls. My Mom and Uncle Robert used to make macabre jokes about "the family death knell", because there was always one person who called and told the family when someone had died. Yesterday that became me and my sister. Yesterday my childhood ended.

Today was the first day without my mom. And what will follow is the awful year of firsts. The first Thanksgiving without my Mom, the first Christmas, the first New Year, the first Birthday, the first time that we don't celebrate HER birthday, and lastly, the first anniversary of her death.

I loved my Mom more than I can express. And I have nothing but happy memories, that will comfort me for years to come. I am very thankful to have had her in my life, and I am thankful that she knows I loved her, and that I have no doubt that she loved me and my partner as if he were her own son.

I love my Dad and my siblings as much as I loved my Mom; and I am grateful to still have them. They are such amazing people, and we will depend on each other more now and in the next year than we ever have before. And we've been through some serious shit before. We're there for each other, we always are. We love each other, and we know it. My mom made sure that we tell each other all the time, so we don't ever have to worry about the "I should have said it more" regret.

There will be good times too. And I have dealt with enough loss before to know that life goes on, and that she wouldn't want us to dwell on her passing, but on the wonderful happy life she had and that she made for us. The pain of this loss will never go away, but in time it will become a part of daily life, so that it won't be as debilitating as it is today. I know this, but right now that doesn't help.

There's only one thing that will help.

There's only one thing I want.




I want my Mommy