The Recent Teen Suicides . . . and October 1, 1988

October First, 1988.

That was the day . . . the night, actually . . . that I didn't kill myself.

That was the night, however, that I tried.

I was a mess. I was a fucked-up not wanting to be gay, trying to come to terms with who I was mess. I was twenty years old.

The recent spate of well publicized suicides by gay teens has definitely stirred up a lot of emotional "stuff" for me recently.

Here's the thing. Suicides by gay teens are not "on the rise". They're just recently being publicized. Young gay and lesbian people kill themselves in numbers far, far greater than any of us can imagine.

Unlike the young people whose suicides have been in the news of late, I wasn't bullied. Not in the traditional sense. I had (and still do have) one of the most amazing, loving, and accepting families that there is, and I had a supportive group of friends who wouldn't have given a second thought to me being gay. But I was suffering at the hands of a society that hadn't prepared me to be a functional adult gay man; and I was suffering at the hands of the most brutal bully there is: myself.

I had convinced myself that I was a freak. That no one would ever want me. That I would be better off dead. I'm not going to lie, there was a considerable amount of rum involved in some of those thoughts that night; but alcohol wasn't the problem. The problem was that society sends a message to gay kids that they're not as good. That they'll never be happy. That they should hide who they really are, lest they be shunned by everyone that's important in their lives. And the message even got to kids like me, kids with awesome, loving, and accepting families; kids with positive gay role models; kids with friends who wouldn't care, but would stand by us no matter what.

We're taught from a very young age that boy meets girl, boy dates girl, boy kisses girl, boy and girl have sex, girl gets pregnant, boy and girl get married. That's the way it works. (okay, so sometimes there are slight variations on the theme, and they don't get pregnant first). But the normal dating pattern is taught to us via school dances, and social gatherings. 1. You meet. 2. You get to know each other. 3. You fall in love. 4. You have sex.

What happens to gay kids when they start to venture out of the closet, is that they go to the places that they've heard about. You know. The places where "the fags" hang out. The parks, or bookstores, or gay bars. They're scared shitless that someone they know might see them, and they're so full of hormones that their impulses get the better of them, and they do things they regret. And the pattern is all wrong. 1. You have sex. 2. You meet. 3. You run home and hope that the shower will wash away the shame and regret. It's fucked up. And gay guys can take years before they get past this stage and move on and become functional adult gay men capable of a healthy relationship with another man. And some never do, preferring to stay in the closet and venture out to those skeevy places for furtive encounters, all while hoping that no one finds out and exposes them.

So why? Why do gay guys do that? Why don't they follow the pattern? Why don't they learn to date in school, or at church socials like their straight counterparts do? Because our society won't let them. Our society tells them that being gay is a bad thing. It tells us that gays don't form lasting, loving, relationships. It tells us that exposure to gays harms children. To be fair, the message isn't that blatant (well sometimes it is, right wing religious fanatics abound). We're told that because gays can't serve in the military; because they can't marry or adopt; because it's legal to discriminate against them in housing or employment; because crime based on sexual preference isn't classified as severely as crime based on race, religion, or gender.

The message to our young gay people is very, very clear. You're not good enough, you're never going to be good enough, and you're never going to be happy.

Is it any wonder then, that some of us, after another sleazy hookup at a filthy adult bookstore drink a bottle of rum, and sit in a corner with a razor blade to our wrist? That we're pissed as hell when our brother comes home, and finds us? That he tells our parents?

And what about the message to straight kids? The message they hear is that being gay is an awful thing, but that persecuting gays isn't so bad. After all, it's not as bad as persecuting someone because of their race, or their religion. If it were, they'd be protected equally under the law. So those who are prone to bullying, find the targets that our society points them toward. That's not surprising, either, is it?

They tell me that it's a lot easier to grow up gay now, than it was for me. That kids are out of the closet and dating in high school in some places. And I applaud those kids. I applaud them for demanding the chance to learn the pattern the right way, and with whom they are meant to learn it. They've begun to overcome the messages our society sends.

Now we have to make sure that our society stops sending those messages.

Yes, bullying, is a terrible thing, but it's only a symptom. The messages have to change. And the only way to do that is to remove the second class citizen status of millions of Americans.

We have to ensure full equality for all Americans. We must demand it, and we must demand it now. It's time to call for the end to housing and employment discrimination. It's time for crimes against gays and lesbians to be federal hate crimes. It's time for all Americans to have the right to civil marriage to the person they love. It's time for gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military. It's time for gays and lesbians to raise families of their own.

It's as simple as that. Full Equality for All Americans, NOW! Nothing more than what we're promised in the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States.

By the way, that college kid sitting in the corner with the razor blade? Well, he's since forgiven his brother for finding him "too soon". Thanked him for it, even. He's gone on to become a productive, if second class, citizen who pays his bills, and his taxes, and votes, and loves his country. He's gone on to fall in love with the most amazing man named Scott, and they're living their dream of "Happily Ever After" with a sweet dachshund named Tolliver and the most amazing family and friends that anyone has ever imagined. That kid grew up, and has no regrets. He wouldn't trade his life with anyone else's. It gets better. It really does.