The end of the world as we know it

Today, begins a new and frightening time.

Today begins my life after Mom.

My Mom died suddenly of a heart attack while on vacation at my Uncle's Condo in Mexico yesterday morning. At 12:20pm my world changed forever, as my Dad's voice broke when I answered the phone and he let me know that nothing would ever be the same again.

I freely admit I'm a Mama's Boy. My Mom is . . . . was . . . . one of my best friends. There are very few things that I didn't discuss with her. And good or bad, when something happened in my life, I called my Mom to talk about it.

Nothing. Not one thing prepared me to face the worst day of my life . . . and not be able to call my Mom to talk about it.

She'd been in Mexico for a month. I'd only had a couple brief conversations with her while she called to check in on her phone using international roaming. I was saving up a month's worth of discussion to share with her when she got home.

I never get to have that conversation with her. Or any of the multitudes of conversations that I will want and need to have with her in the future. My only small comfort is knowing that my last words to her were "I love you" and that I heard "I love you, too" back.

I do not know how to live in a world where my Mom isn't in it.

Which isn't to say that I'm not close to my Dad. Far from it. He's the best Dad in the whole world, and it tears me up inside thinking that he had do deal with all of this alone so far from home.

Scott and I just finished making arrangements to fly to Lubbock, so we'll be there when Dad gets home with Mom's ashes. There are lots of things to do, and I'm sure lots of people to see. The one I want to see most won't be there, though. And she never will be again.

Yesterday, I grew up. Yesterday morning, I had a mommy. Yesterday afternoon, I was calling family and friends and letting them know that she was taken from us far too soon. For the first time in my life, I was the one who was making the phone calls. My Mom and Uncle Robert used to make macabre jokes about "the family death knell", because there was always one person who called and told the family when someone had died. Yesterday that became me and my sister. Yesterday my childhood ended.

Today was the first day without my mom. And what will follow is the awful year of firsts. The first Thanksgiving without my Mom, the first Christmas, the first New Year, the first Birthday, the first time that we don't celebrate HER birthday, and lastly, the first anniversary of her death.

I loved my Mom more than I can express. And I have nothing but happy memories, that will comfort me for years to come. I am very thankful to have had her in my life, and I am thankful that she knows I loved her, and that I have no doubt that she loved me and my partner as if he were her own son.

I love my Dad and my siblings as much as I loved my Mom; and I am grateful to still have them. They are such amazing people, and we will depend on each other more now and in the next year than we ever have before. And we've been through some serious shit before. We're there for each other, we always are. We love each other, and we know it. My mom made sure that we tell each other all the time, so we don't ever have to worry about the "I should have said it more" regret.

There will be good times too. And I have dealt with enough loss before to know that life goes on, and that she wouldn't want us to dwell on her passing, but on the wonderful happy life she had and that she made for us. The pain of this loss will never go away, but in time it will become a part of daily life, so that it won't be as debilitating as it is today. I know this, but right now that doesn't help.

There's only one thing that will help.

There's only one thing I want.




I want my Mommy